so what do you do when you know the general source of irritation but can't pinpoint its exact cause?

i think that i'm gradually getting addicted to tea....nothing's as good as a cup of tea when i come into the office in the morning...the problem is that the tea in the office isn't too good :P i miss babar's coffee

i also think that aral's gonna grow up by the time i see him next :S i mean i want to see every phase of his and by the time i see him he'll already be out of his crawling phase!!! that sucks!!!

now that i have a job and am all settled in i *know* that this is exactly where i want to be right now....just in the wrong city :P when i got home last night i realized how much i want to live here. at home. in karachi. sigh. i love lums. i just hate lahore. i've never really liked lahore so much. maybe i've never gotten to know lahore or whatever. maybe it'd be better if i had a car. but honestly i prefer karachi. with its filth. its broken roads. its dirty buildings. and yes i *have* seen more of karachi than just defence :P

my favourite part of karachi remains saddar. i love the buildings there. those tiny flats where the traffic's the densest? with the elaborate railings? those tiny tiny windows? that's karachi to me. i guess 'cause that's the route we took from school to nazimabad :)

there are only two things which really get my blood boiling (which doesn't happen often *at all* :P) one's incompetent doctors...they should really all be hanged. every last single one of them should be hanged...put to painful death. second is when i see what's happened to frere hall wali road. it used to have the most gorgeous trees. it was actually one of the most beautiful roads (that and the stretch that goes from do talwar to park towers)... now the trees have been chopped off and there is always a police presence there. you'd think that i'd have gotten used to it by now. it's been a few years after all. it still annoys me though.

being back felt strange at first but once i had a chance to settle in some i find that it isn't really so different from before. sure the people i ache to have around aren't around but the lums effect is pretty much the same....a clean cut from reality :P

i may be told that your reality is what you make it to be but honestly this isn't it. i don't mean to make it seem that i'm unhappy or unsatisfied...i've started to enjoy being involved in the field work..i'm looking forward to teaching from next month on and meeting up with lums friends has been terrific but my reality is back in karachi. and right now it feels like i'm caught in some sort of an intermission....

what is it supposed to mean anyway? isn't a thought enough to lay claim?

i thought it would be different. i knew it wouldn't be easy but i never thought that it'd be this hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. but surely i must be? how do i change it though? how do i change? i haven't got a clue. maybe if i can get everyone to stop expecting...but really that's too hard...it makes for such...

maybe if i stop. maybe i already did.

i thought it'd be easier. i really thought so.

i have this really nasty habit (one that saad has been trying to make me get rid of) where i tend to supress everything that i am feeling, lock it up in a dark corner of my brain and then just proceed to ignore everything connected with it. i realize that this is not something novel or new and that scores of people have a tendency to employ similar routes of escape...the fact however remains that this is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with situations. i know...i haven't been able to sleep properly for days because of just this particular habit of mine.

now i would really like to *not* do this..i would...honest. i just don't know how to go about *not* doing so. i admit that i've gotten better at dealing with stuff which would otherwise have caused me to turn tail and run though...i've done something constructive about two extremely stressful situations in the recent past (one just today!) but what i need...for my (and potentially saad's) peace of mind is a way to tackle such problems *before* they cause me sleepless and tense nights.

the dissertation is finally nearing its end.

i packed my suitcase today to get an estimate of how much it weighs (then unpacked it :P).

i've decided on what i'm taking and what i'm leaving behind.

i've bought a few presents...and need to buy a few more.


the future's finally here! :D

even when i can't see you
i know that i'm not alone
and it feels like home :)