Crystal Myth

2007-02-07T02:08:00.000-08:00

so what do you do when you know the general source of irritation but can't pinpoint its exact cause?

2006-12-29T03:27:00.000-08:00

i think that i'm gradually getting addicted to tea....nothing's as good as a cup of tea when i come into the office in the morning...the problem is that the tea in the office isn't too good :P i miss babar's coffee

i also think that aral's gonna grow up by the time i see him next :S i mean i want to see every phase of his and by the time i see him he'll already be out of his crawling phase!!! that sucks!!!

now that i have a job and am all settled in i *know* that this is exactly where i want to be right now....just in the wrong city :P when i got home last night i realized how much i want to live here. at home. in karachi. sigh. i love lums. i just hate lahore. i've never really liked lahore so much. maybe i've never gotten to know lahore or whatever. maybe it'd be better if i had a car. but honestly i prefer karachi. with its filth. its broken roads. its dirty buildings. and yes i *have* seen more of karachi than just defence :P

my favourite part of karachi remains saddar. i love the buildings there. those tiny flats where the traffic's the densest? with the elaborate railings? those tiny tiny windows? that's karachi to me. i guess 'cause that's the route we took from school to nazimabad :)

there are only two things which really get my blood boiling (which doesn't happen often *at all* :P) one's incompetent doctors...they should really all be hanged. every last single one of them should be hanged...put to painful death. second is when i see what's happened to frere hall wali road. it used to have the most gorgeous trees. it was actually one of the most beautiful roads (that and the stretch that goes from do talwar to park towers)... now the trees have been chopped off and there is always a police presence there. you'd think that i'd have gotten used to it by now. it's been a few years after all. it still annoys me though.

2006-11-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

being back felt strange at first but once i had a chance to settle in some i find that it isn't really so different from before. sure the people i ache to have around aren't around but the lums effect is pretty much the same....a clean cut from reality :P

i may be told that your reality is what you make it to be but honestly this isn't it. i don't mean to make it seem that i'm unhappy or unsatisfied...i've started to enjoy being involved in the field work..i'm looking forward to teaching from next month on and meeting up with lums friends has been terrific but my reality is back in karachi. and right now it feels like i'm caught in some sort of an intermission....

2006-10-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

what is it supposed to mean anyway? isn't a thought enough to lay claim?

i thought it would be different. i knew it wouldn't be easy but i never thought that it'd be this hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. but surely i must be? how do i change it though? how do i change? i haven't got a clue. maybe if i can get everyone to stop expecting...but really that's too hard...it makes for such...

maybe if i stop. maybe i already did.

i thought it'd be easier. i really thought so.

2006-09-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

i have this really nasty habit (one that saad has been trying to make me get rid of) where i tend to supress everything that i am feeling, lock it up in a dark corner of my brain and then just proceed to ignore everything connected with it. i realize that this is not something novel or new and that scores of people have a tendency to employ similar routes of escape...the fact however remains that this is an extremely unhealthy way to deal with situations. i know...i haven't been able to sleep properly for days because of just this particular habit of mine.

now i would really like to *not* do this..i would...honest. i just don't know how to go about *not* doing so. i admit that i've gotten better at dealing with stuff which would otherwise have caused me to turn tail and run though...i've done something constructive about two extremely stressful situations in the recent past (one just today!) but what i need...for my (and potentially saad's) peace of mind is a way to tackle such problems *before* they cause me sleepless and tense nights.

2006-08-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

the dissertation is finally nearing its end.

i packed my suitcase today to get an estimate of how much it weighs (then unpacked it :P).

i've decided on what i'm taking and what i'm leaving behind.

i've bought a few presents...and need to buy a few more.

the future's finally here! :D

2006-08-15T16:00:00.001-07:00

even when i can't see you
i know that i'm not alone
and it feels like home :)

2006-08-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish that i could get back to when smashing pumpkins, radiohead and third eye blind gave me goosebumps. when i would lie around and watch stars sparkle in my room. when i knew that between 2 am and 5 am the house, the street and the sky above were completely and only mine and mine alone. when standing on a terrace and watching the lights on the road beyond meant being in my other home...

but then i think that being back there would mean that i was yet to find you. that i wouldn't know what it means to have you to lean on, to laugh with, to think about...

i've always known that love would happen to me but once...i never knew though that it would sweep me away the way that it has. i'd always thought that my life has been a series of accidents...that i've just stumbled onto the path that i find myself on today. that's not true. i know now i've always been headed towards you. if i hadn't found you when i did i would simply have bumbled along until i did find you...

'i love you' doesn't even come close to what i feel for you. i am you..i breathe you...you're my life, my soul. you're what keeps me real...keeps me from fading away...keeps me grounded.

you're the music in my life :)

2006-08-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

there's a new song i've been listening to all day ... arooj aftab's 'untitled love song' and it just makes me so damn homesick! makes me miss my room like mad....and i can't stop listening to the damn song!

i want to be sitting on the carpet with my laptop on my bed...with the room bathed in yellow light and the ac comfortably on...in the middle of the night...with no one else around and with the phone close by :)

i don't just hate the present... i *really* hate it!

2006-07-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

i hate the present.

i'm living in the future..

2006-07-13T05:14:00.000-07:00

haven't slept properly in days. trying to keep all thoughts at bay...doesn't always work though. trying to get my thesis in order...that doesn't always work either.

heh...but on the whiteboard in front of me
"concentrate...Time is running out"

2006-06-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

people are going to ask me how it was when i get back. they will expect me to gush about the whole experience....about the thrill of living alone. of being abroad.

they're wrong you know.

i used to like the silence. now i need noise around me all the time. i used to sleep in the dark. now i don't remember the last time i slept with the curtains drawn open, without a light on somewhere. i could go without talking to someone for hours. msn is my lifeline now.

i wasn't afraid to be alone before.

2006-06-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

radiohead's lurgee is an amazing song....for me though it's not just a matter of its composition...i have a beautiful memory associated with it.

i don't remember exactly which month or year it was....ammi abbu were still in saudi arabia and i was in the habit of staying up the whole night just for the heck of it...i remember i'd gotten a friend to lend me her walkman...it was around sunrise and i was up on the roof...i couldn't watch the sun come up though 'cause it was cloudy and i remember watching the clouds while listening to the song...there was no one else in the world...and i was totally content :)

2006-06-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

so i go through these phases. where i'm tired and bored of economics. i'm going though one such phase right now...and it really isn't a very convenient time 'cause i have to write my dissertation. but the thing is that even while i'm sitting here and thinking about how it would be nice to just branch out...leave econ behind and move to another field...not something totally unrelated but well more.....worldly in a way...heh. that's funny...a worldly academic field :P

...so yeah! even while i'm thinking all of the above i'm going through the motions of sealing econ as my ultimate career choice....heh...path dependency i guess :P

anyway so on a total tangent.... about the last year....let's see... i've been happier than i've ever been before...more miserable than ever before as well.....it's been a damn strange year but i wouldn't have wanted it any other way and there is no way in hell i would ever want to go back and do it all over again...EVER!!

going back home is always a wonderful yet strange exercise. this time though i can safely say that i'm really looking forward to it. i know i probably won't be home for too long but rather than being plagued with all sorts of plans for the first time in a long long time i imagine peace and quiet...absolute lethargy and completely yummy relaxation!

it really sounds like i'm coming back tomorrow doesn't it?! well i still have two long months to go....and yet right now it all seems much easier somehow...

2006-06-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

"The availability of alternatives at the discursive level, of being able to at the least imagine the possibility of having chosen differently, is thus crucial to the emergence of a critical consciousness, the process by which people move from a position of unquestioning acceptance of the social order to a critical perspective on it."

most of us, at some point or another, have been exposed to a range of ideological perspectives...that's what a good education is all about isn't it? we're encouraged to study marxism, capitalism, sufism, religion, existentialism and many other strains. we're expected to be sensitive to issues of race, identity, gender and sexuality. but how many have developed a critical consiousness? how many of us deign to think about heirarchies, dare to challenge the status quo? much as i like the above train of thought i find myself dismissive of the writer's belief in the human intellect. i find myself despairing of any and all attempts of the human consciousness to rise above the constraints of ideological dogma and sheer stubborn prejudice.

2006-06-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That is leading me to the place where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You are everything
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
You calm the storms
You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won’t let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper now
’cause you’re all I want
You are all I need
You are everything, everything

I love you.

2006-06-12T03:35:00.000-07:00

can't find my motivation.

2006-06-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

i can't wait to get back! and i've pretty much made up my mind now....if and when the offer comes in away i go! and i'm actually looking forward to it! a lot!

of course the fact that i'm still not going to be home is something which will get to me at some point or another. but i guess i'm pretty much resigned to it now....actually now that i stop and think about it...i had realized a couple of years back that i'm never going to be home...and by home i mean my parents' house. hmm anyway. but i *will* live in karachi. somehow or the other i *will* make that happen!

and i will live with you :)

2006-05-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

there are a few people i know who just give me a bad vibe. i've never liked them and i have never been able to figure out why..until recently.

but that leads me to my next logical question..what good does that do me?

any conclusions that i draw about anyone's personality are but obviously biased...and i wouldn't want it any other way..after all they're *my* views...but i may be doing someone a great injustice...misunderstanding him/her completely...but again so what?! why should i not subject the people i know to my reality? after all they willingly accede to be a part of it from time to time don't they? so any and all opinions that i have are based on whatever i infer from my interactions with them...and my innate biases as well of course....but this is a tangent.

oh yeah so! what good does it do me? nothing when you think about it....so before i just got a vibe...now the vibe has tranformed into a reason. my dislike can be more focused, i can be more judgmental and i can sit and take absolutely everything that they do and use it to bolster the reason for my dislike.

of course i realize that the readers of this post might want to know the actual *reason* i've been hinting at....too bad....this too is my reality...and *you* agreed to be a part of it..however it may be. *grin*

2006-05-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

i have had enough.

i've had enough of sitting at my desk. of doing nothing except planning my day around such and such lecture. of reading through notes. of working through models. of going through literature i *don't* care about.

i have had enough of studying someone *else's* programme!

2006-05-05T03:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday: a picture of a 12-14 year old iraqi boy..with an anguished expression on his face standing next to a car that had been ripped apart by a bomb blast.

two days ago: a news piece on the sudanese people...an account of a 12 year old girl whose village had been torched by rebels and whose family while running away had to leave the grandmother behind.

a week back: an article on the endemic problem of child rape in africa...the story of how a man raped the three year old girl who lives next door.

today: a petition on orkut to disallow two ten year olds from living in anonymity in society after brutally beating and killing a three year old.

date rape.
gang rape.
rape.
molestation.

child labour.
forced labour.
prostitution.
racism.

stories of lives ended...hope lost...hatred.

much missed

2006-05-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

lights & wet roads.
pictures & missed smiles.
strong hands & soft eyes.

:P I am amused.

2006-05-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatadvanceddegreeshouldyougetquiz/">What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

2006-05-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

I’m dancing while I’m in the front
I will go in this way
And I am coming to much more

My loneliness that I don’t notice anymore
Only tomorrow leads my way
And I wouldn’t take anymore

So I carry you around
In the background

My thoughts they free flow
A wind chime voice sounds
Secret garden beams, change my life
And my thoughts are warm

my version of 'some devil'

2006-03-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

one last kiss

one only

then i'll let you go

some devil

some angel

you said always and forever

you sad always and forever

such a long lonely time

too drunk and still drinking

it's just the way i feel

it's all right that's what you told me

what we had was so beautiful

feel heavy like floating

at the bottom of the sea

you said always and forever

and now i believe you baby

such a long lonely time

some devil stuck is inside of me

i cannot set you free

some angel is stuck iside of me

i cannot set you free

you said always and forever

and i believed you baby

2006-03-16T15:30:00.000-08:00

2006-03-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

so you know when you have shitloads of work to do and all you wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep? and when you know that if you don't work you're gonna be screwed not just now but three years down the line as well but you still can't locate you bloody motivation? well what the hell do you do?

2006-02-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

you know how some songs just tranport you? how they take you to that one place where you want to be...even when you didnt know that you wanted to go there? well i'm listening to one just song right now...

so...the places that i want to go...where i havent been before...none of these are places that i can list...'cause i dont know where they are...and yet i can see them in my head even at this moment. so i'm thinking that i may not know them but when i'm there i'll know. in the meantime i'm just waiting for the time when i *do* get there.

2006-01-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

The views of the older generation usually evoke a mixture of emotions within the younger generation...take my relationship with my father as an example: while I hate it when my father calls me to have one of his 'discussions' I have to admit that in the end I usually realize the wisdom of his words...as grudging as that recognition may be. I admit that the irksome nature of our talks lies primarily in the fact that we're father and daughter and so will remain at loggerheads about most issues no matter what. This tension though doesn't just arise from the fact that his main objective is to protect me from any and all unpleasantness to the best of his abilities, but perhaps more so from the great difference in our respective experiences. While my upbringing but obviously implies that my outlook on life is very similar to that of my father there nevertheless exist countless differences as well. Of course the fact that my father is not the sole person responsible for my upbringing accounts for some of these (and believe me I am not discounting my mother's role in my life at all!), the fact remains that the environment that I’ve grown up in has had a huge impact. And this environment is of course vastly different from the one of my father's childhood.

The point of this post is not to talk about issues that everyone is well aware of, but rather today I finally understood how these very differences between parents and children that cause so much pain and strife are something we need to hold dear.

The so called 'fast pace' of the world today increasingly implies that fewer and fewer people have the time or the inclination to give importance to questions of a spiritual nature, nor do they feel the need to particularly delve into issues relating to culture or heritage. I admit that the question of identity remains an important one to a lot of people, especially youngsters, who have an overwhelming urge to forge one for themselves. And you’d think that the saying ‘you can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’re coming from’ holds especially when it comes to issues of Identity. However, it seems to me that the assertion of individuality these days comes hand in hand with a move away from your heritage, almost as if the legacy of your people was something that needed to be shed. In essence then I feel that societies all over the world are becoming progressively more disconnected with their past.

Yes I know what you’re thinking… ‘Globalization! Finally it becomes clear what she’s been mumbling about!’ And it’s true part of the inspiration for this long post *does* come from globalization and technological advances that are resulting in the collapse of countless traditional industries and more importantly traditional values. But the fact is that no matter how much people rave and rant about the evils of globalization and how rampant cutthroat competition is eating away at eastern values, the fact is that at the end of the day globalization is just a phenomenon… It needs *people* to make it real. So when I’m told that it’s the dizzying *speed* of life today that makes it impossible for people to stop and think about life, family and religion, I can’t help but think that ‘no, that’s not it’. If it’s important enough then you can always *make* the time. So why don’t we make the time? Why are we content with letting things slide into the grey? Why are we letting that which should be most important to us slip away?

2006-01-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

nothing beats staying up till an insanely ungodly hour just to watch a tv series! :D

2006-01-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

nothing fascinates me more than some people's uncanny ability to shift reality...

2006-01-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

i've been randomly surfing for the last fifteen minutes ('cause i don't want to study obviously) and some time ago i was randomly blog hopping (correction: it wasn't totally random but limited to a particular group and the comments below are reserved for those!)
and what struck me was that 95% of people whose blog page i went to were fighting some kind of personal demons and were basically in a state of anguish. now there could be a number of explanations:

1. they post on their blog when they have stuff on their mind and basically use this space to exorcise whatever above mentioned demons may be residing within them

2. these people are going through phases of self-discovery and basically are tormented and self-absorbed 'cause well that's what late-teens-and-early-twenty-somethings *are*

3. it's cool to be tormented

acha ok so my view seems a little cynical. but just take a look at what is written on blogs... i mean fine so there's always some kinda shit or the other going on in everyone's life, and a blog page is a great place to vent. but seriously the only thing that has warranted any comment from anyone *aside* from their own anguish is the earthquake.

and yes i know what you're thinking. *i'm* incredibly self-absorbed and *i* have absolutely no politics either...in fact *my* blog doesn't even have anything on the earthquake! god i'm callous...without a soul even. which is probably why i'm the perfect person to write this out. at least the *one* fault that is not in my extensive portfolio is the sin of taking myself too seriously!

2005-12-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

i knew that i'd moved on from lums but i hadn't realized how much so until i went back for the convocation. i know that going back is never the same, and i know that the achingly familiar difference in the surroundings always makes it sad but i didnt think that being back would actually be so hard. maybe it was because someone was sorely missed, or maybe it was because just being away finally made it hit home exactly *much* i'd drifted from the people i was so close to in the beginning, or maybe it was because the grass was just not as green nor the buildings as red nor the faces as familiar.

i dont think that this complete lack of nostalgia does anything to re-affirm the opinion that i don't form ties...or rather strong ties... to anyone or anything...country, religion..maybe even people. rather, i think that much as i enjoyed my four years in lums and in fact had an absolute blast in my final year, i was ready to leave it when the time came. the people i wanted to stay in touch with..whose friendship i wished to carry with me always...well that i still do..and hope to continue doing so. other than that what's there anyway?

other than that i'm having massive *massive* separation anxiety.

also, someone much loved is quite terribly annoyed at me about an inexcusable oversight on my part. i'm sorry..

2005-12-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

i remember that for one of the tutorials of a..european history class i think it was...way back in summer of first year i think, the TA wanted us to do an exercise in hmmm 'what' if let's call it (he gave it a technical name but it's completely slipped my mind). the whole idea was that in the build up to WWI there had been certain key moments, certain key decisions which could, in retrospect, be identified...so we were supposed to identify those and then hypothesize what the outcome would have been if a different decision had been taken. basically the exercise was to see if the War could have been averted. and he seemed to think that it could have been. which i found incredibly dumb because well even though all of us could sit and inellectualize that oh yeah you know these dudes on such such and such dates decided blah blah and then ohmygod that happened and then that happened and then THAT and shit kaboom there you have it.. WWI!! the fact is that i don't think history is a single timeline. of course i'm not a historian and i don't claim to be one either but the idea that a *single* line of events defines history is just *too* simplistic.

anyway that was a whole useless tangent.

2005-12-11T23:07:00.000-08:00

i don't want to go back!
i know i know there's a long time yet until i actually *do* go back but stilll..i don't wanna!!
last night just before i dropped off to sleep i was mapping out the route of how i will get back to the university and the thought of going back to my very cheerful but very lonely room just totally.... :( i don't wanna go back!

on a cheerful note though i am apparently going to be given a snot vampire. i don't quite know what it is but the name pretty much says it all i guess and maaannn it sounds disgusting!! :P

also when people turn around and tell you that joshanda works...well DON'T BELIEVE THEM! it doesn't! even though i am sitting here right now with a clearer nose and a less fogged up brain i put it down to the food i've eaten and not to the two cups of joshanda i have consumed (which reminds me that i'm all out ...must tell mumsy dear to get me some on her way back from work)

aaand the song hasn't downloaded *again*

2005-12-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

Reasons why we're perfect and why *i'm* 'stuck on you' :)

1. you love with a passion

2. live in the moment

3. plan for the future

4. don't deny your desires

5. know what you want and go for it

6. accept

7. have an incredibly grounded and realistic view of life

8. have an awesome view on people and relationships

9. have a strong sense of self

10. are gentle and caring and loving and giving :)

11. realize the importance of family

12. have a strong sense of duty and responsibility

13. know what you want to do in your life

14. know what are the important things in life....(your cafe! i think that was the point of *absolutely* no return for me :D)

15. are SS-y!!!!

16. have a wonderful wonderful laugh!

17. totally gets the sneaky weirdness that is *I* :D

18. always always always calm me down and make me feel incredibly loved and cherished

the above are of course in no particular order. i just wrote them down as and how they came to my head.

2005-12-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

i'm hoommmee!!

but i've gone and gotten ill so right now i can't even muster a whole lot of excitement.

i've also come to fully understand what it means to miss someone.

2005-11-29T03:50:00.000-08:00

i'm in the middle of an insane week. have to get all my shit together before i leave. it's not that i don't have time to breathe, but it's just that there is so much stuff on my mind that i *feel* like i can't beathe. hopefully i'll get some stuff sorted out today so that i can be more relaxed.

on a lighter note..
so lat night it snowed...so i totally bundled up today which was a good idea 'cause even though the sun's out and all and it's all sunny and stuff it's only decpetively so!
but! uff the paths! i hope *they* thaw 'cause man they're slippery as hell...me and two of my classmates taking little baby steps...half skidding half sliding holding onto each other was definitely a funny start to the day :D

anyway off for class.

2005-11-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

so last night i began feeling sleepy at bloody ten-thirty (and i think that *someone* had a huge role to play in this! :P) so i was like 'hey! let's sleep now and get up at 6 and study!' needless to say *that* didn't work out. then! econometrics kinda preetty much went waaayy over my head (ok so i was lost through most of the lecture but it a dim little light *did* go on right at the end so i'm screwed but not majoooorrrllllyy so....ok majorly screwed but not maaajooooorrrllyy so)anyway the gist of this inane ramble is that i have to studddyyy! study study study! so umm why am i writing a blog :S

2005-11-27T04:37:00.000-08:00

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

2005-11-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.

I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

2005-11-26T05:08:00.000-08:00

it's crazy how the mere fact that i'll be home in a week (a week!!) has transformed my world :D
i have obsolutely no patience with the food that i eat now...i don't want fish and bloody chips...i don't want my staple diet of soup (blech) and funnily enough actually i don't even want desi food (acha ok maybe karhai chicken and sheer maal :D:D) i just want to be able to walk into my lounge...see the white and grey tiles...the light blue rug...a glimpse of the green and incredibbllyyy old refrigerator...abbu in his white kurta pajama lying on the couch looking up at me from the tv...ammi on the sofa doing something with her hands....

oh and my room with my cell upstairs...

that's all i want :)

the numb droning

2005-11-17T03:17:00.000-08:00

why is it that grief sometimes just doesn't hit until much later? that you can go months without really thinking about a situation and suddenly it all comes pouring out?

Third Eye Blind - Gorgeous

2005-11-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

I am made of a hard skin
So I don't know how so much
Pain still gets in
Stars between you and me, my friend
A stone thrown, skips across the sea and smotes the child within
So I go down to the sea
Where I will breathe the air yeah-e-yeah
Take back your piece of me
I let it bleed yeah-e-yeah
Outrage, from within
My bones break
But when they mend
The stone returns again
So I go down to the sea
Where I will breathe air
Take back your piece of me
I breathe, breathe yeah-e-yeah
Wounds sound inside
Blown open wide
Open wide
Then I breathe
Breathe, yeah-a-yeah
Wounds sound inside
They are blown open
There's a sound of the phone
Not ringing
It echoes in my home
See all my friends in a crowd of you
Tell me why I'm so goddamn alone
And I felt I could do anything
That's why I make you see for me
Say it's not fair
But across the sea,
The stone takes a chunk of change from me
I can't wait for a long time
Step to me
Take a step back boy
Take a chunk of change again
Just let me go down to the sea
Where I will breathe
Breathe air yeah-e-yeah
Take back your piece of me
And let it bleed, bleed, yeah-e-yeah
Wounds sound inside
But they are
Blown open wide
Open wide

they spun a web for me..

2005-11-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

i went to a talk on palestine the other day and while it was quite an interesting talk i was appalled at how there was an apparent scale of suffering that the palestinians seemed to pretty much top. now the fact is that i completely sympathize with and wholeheartedly support the palestinian struggle...and i agree..there has been a systematic dissemination of this people's identity and their state of affairs really is inexcusable.....but at the same time i refuse to accept that theirs is the most gruesome story....fine..humanity is fucked....always has been and will probably continue to be. but i will not believe that we can possibly sit and intellectualize that it's worse to be thrown out of your home, driven out of your land and have your people snatched away from you than it is to sit and watch your child starve, or in fact to actually sit and contemplate the thought of eating your child in order to appease your own gnawing hunger.

2005-11-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

a list of stupid things to do when in the faareign

1. wear high-heeled sandals and walk miles in the cold...annnnddd expect to be 'oh all right' :P
2. expect butter to smell desi, salt to be namkeen and sugar sweet
3. expect that a dish that has 'deep fried dried balls of milk with *icecream*' will taste even *remotely* like gulab jamun
4. expect the above mentioned combination to actually *work* (trust me ice cream and gulab jamun does *not* work!)
5. come back to your yummyily warm room during a two hour break from classes and expect that you will be able to get out of bed and be ready to battle the cold outside after a blisssful nap

the author is, at this point, out of further idiocies, although there are countless remaining as yet.

2005-10-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

hmm i apologize for the excessive use of 'oh' in the blog below. all of the mentioned sights were nice etc but they really weren't all that 'oh' :P

how i found

2005-10-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

oh my god i saw the most beautiful sight in london yesterday. i saw robert jordan's 11th book in hardback....and glossy and newww sigggghhhhhh
i couldnt buy it though. 'cause it would have meant not eating for a month and getting hell from my brother 'cause he's already got it and feeling guilty as hell about buying it. but oh maannn the bliiissss of just seeeinnnggg it!

oh and hyde park is nice but only in certain places...other parts are too....hmm....*non* green. but oh i saw the sweetest and most amusing thing. as soon as i walked into the park i see this *huge* man huffing and puffing up this grassy slope with this woman in his arms :) i believe that the lady was enjoying herself most thoroughly while the man was in a great-big-ass hurry to get to some place (probably the place where he could put her down). and oh man! england has *big* squirrels! they're not teeny tiny and cute like the desi ones..they're huge and bushy and soo damn tame! i saw this woman in the park feeding some pigeons....so obviously madam (or mister) squirrel decided to try his/her luck....before the woman knew it the squirrel had scrambled on top of her leg to get to the bread morsel better...so predictably enough there was this resounding yell which made mister-busy-tail scramble back down :D

and oh the pigeons in london! they're even tamer! i walked inside a small park and suddenly this whole fleet of pigeons just descended on me.....they then proceeded to sit in the trees and on the ground all around the place that i was standing and calmly waited to give them some food...needless to say i got out of there as fast as i could...not just 'cause i had *no* food and so was in no mood whatsoever to get attacked by angry pigeons demnading food but also because i had absolutely no wish to have little souveniers from the said birds...in the form of bird-droppings of course :P

oh but i miss seeing cats. there are none around you know :( only dogs....on leashes of course. sighh. everything's too organized here.

anyway with that little update i shall run off.

as if i have the space

2005-10-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

so when you're faced with the possibility of doing something that is damn challenging, will change you completely and utterly and throws any and all the plans that you've made out the window...what do you do?

well the answer is simple ain't it? depends on whether or not you want to do this above mentioned thing. well what if you don't know. what if it sounds like something that you *should* do....that'd do you a *world* of good....but you just don't *know* if in fact you actually want to do it. what do you do then?

anyway. what i *can* say with absolute certainty is that ice-cream in the great vilait has been a great disappointment!
i mean at this point in time i'm actually faced with the horrible prospect that ice-cream is just not my cup of tea (if you will forgive the totally inept metaphor) anymore. the only ice-cream that i enjoy even remotely...and that too not all that much any longer...is gelato affair's.
this is very disturbing i tell you :S

now i have a question...why is it sexy when women wear men's clothes? and particularly men's shirts?

2005-10-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

oh god *don't* make the mistake of having too much 'hot english mustard' in one go!! it isn't hot in the sense that it isn't spicy in the desi sense... but maaannn it goes straight up your nose and it's like your mind just closes. the effect is similar to that of a fizzy drink but *much* more unpleasant! :S

which reminds me that i can't have fizzy drinks. no it's true! they make me burp so much that it spoils the whole effect...actually for me that *is* the whole effect. ok alright so you're probably thinking that whooaaa too much information *yet* again...well....TOO BAD! you're here aren't you!? this then implies that you *want* information! well here it is! now deal with it! :P

over to you

2005-10-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

so i'm in a weird situation these days. waisay i'm in the valait but my mind is back home. so most of the time i feel like i'm in a strange kind of limbo. while part of this has to do with the people and places back home, part of it has to do with the fact that living here isn't so different, from college life back home that is. sleeping and eating is just as messed up, i'm just as disconnected from everything and everyone around me, and as far as academia is concerned...nothing's really changed that much.
so while it may seem that this is all a good thing...given that it seems that i'm comfortable being who i am wherever i may be, the fact is that it's actually incredibly disconcerting. i don't want to be sitting in my yellow/peach room expecting to go outside and see a familiar red brick corridor. it just makes the yellow carpet outside quasi-real and that's just messed up! :S
maybe i just need to escape for a bit.

have you ever felt that none of your friends....or your relationship with them is....hmm....*real* enough? now this is a tricky question that i've posed even for myself because it requires a lot of qualifying statements. first off by none...i mean the majoriy (and not *all*) of your friends, and by *real* i mean that...your relationship with them seems to be stretched thin. so much so that in some places it's so flimsy that it's non-existent. i don't understand how you can continue to maintain a friendship with someone when more and more neither you can seem to find some common ground.

ugh i'm too sleepy for such philosophical questions right now. maybe i'll come back to this again. knowing me i'll probably just wander off in some other direction.

2005-07-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

i've always found summers to be very contradictory. while i feel that my brain's degenerating and any and all knowledge that i might have accumulated in the past year seems to be flowing out of my brain at high speed and that just *annoys* me! i nonetheless also find myself to be more...grounded. perhaps, it's because i spend all my time at home, with friends, with family, reading and just relaxing and so i just..appreciate everything all the more..but see therein lies the cintradiction! while being at home *all* the time has the tendency to drive me insane sometimes it also...centers me, eases all tension out of me.

i have a friend who worries me. she always has...and i think that she always will. when i'm with her i have tremendous amounts of fun but i know that her constant inactivity and sheer laziness just bores her out of her mind..and sometimes probably infuriates her as well. hmm maybe i should help her find a job...

ink with gold

2005-07-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

one of my mum's friends is visiting. she's staying in our house tonight. i love it when such visitations occur. i see my parents unwind and just enjoy the night. of course my father is asleep by eleven but even so :)

my parents' close friends are all from their student days. so either i've made all the friends i'm ever going to or given that i'm going for postgraduate i still might have a few more lurking in my future. what really intrigues me though is who will i befriend in my future who i knew in my past.

anyway i don't quite know why but reading about indians in america really depresses me. i just finished a set of short stories (by jhumpa lahiri) and the stories were very good..but i know i'm never going to read any of them again. they disconcert me..i think it has to do with the diaspora...there's this distinct flavour that's..tangy. and the bloody vermilion! the stupid red henna and whatnot. ugh it was frustrating and it kind of left me feeling...colourless.

2005-07-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

foo fighters- best of you...definitely one of the best songs of the year so far..along with audioslave's be yourself. and its video (foo fighters' that is)..damn it depresses me...depresses me so that i can't breathe.

the attacks in london make me think of the palestinian suicide bombings.
i was trying to rationalize the attacks (i know i know you think i'm crazy but hell i have a tendency to look at the Other perspective..screws me up sometimes...annoys the crap outta most of my friends but oh well that's the way i think) and well it boiled down to what could possibly mess up a bunch of people so much that in order to strike back at a system, an ideology, a philosophy, they deemed it necessary to kill civilians....and i guess that's the key. it's not the act of killing, people are killed all the time in the name of states, of so-called boundaries etc etc..it's the civilians. and of course i thought of the palestinians. but then in that case you have a nation (and yes i maintain that they are a nation even though palestine is not recognized as such) who have been systematically stripped of their identity. and identity is incredibly important. humans spend their lives building an identity and we crave for a sense of belonging. to bulldoze homes, destroy families so much so that there is no hope of salvaging anything..well that would cause anyone to snap. anyway suicide bombing is a tricky subject for me..it involves the death of innocent bystanders but palestine is a sensitive issue for me...of course if i'm to place someone i love in such a situation well hmm...

anyway so fine the israeli state did that to the palestinians..while the jews built *their* nation-state they destroyed a people. but has the west destroyed the culture and the identity of these men and women who strike back at the Empire by killing its citizens? (okay so i got that from starwars!)
i view culture as something fluid...it's bound to change..it's *meant* to change. it's up to the individual and the society in question to maintain its core values and norms..to hold on to their sense of self. if they are unable to do that's either becuase they wished it so..or then it was simply a failure on their part.
as for economic subjugation. fine so there's the core-periphery-dependency-theory shit going on but terrorism is hardly the answer..that's just cowardly. besides it's hardly eloquent. you don't even know what the hell these people want. 'end the hegemony of the west'..yeah so? what then? and while we're at it how do you want to end it anyway? blow up half the planet? bring trade and commerce to a standstill? so basically amputate your leg and then expect to run.

2005-07-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

is it just me or sometimes do *you* also wish it that you could just shut your brain down so that you couldn't process any sensory input?

i was watching a tv show today where these kids all make a suicide pact 'cause one of their friends died in an accident and the world is shit anyway so what the hell...i'm sure you get the picture. so anyway that got me thinking...i admit that youngsters have a totally different perspective on life and death. basically 'cause they feel pretty much invulnerable so they don't consider death to be such a big deal and have an easier time extinguishing life than older people. maybe you think that this is a paradox but it makes perfect sense to me...you would have no problems embracing a particular fate when you don't quite understand the consequences of it. but when the hell did life become so cheap? in a way my ramblings above connect to 'live 8'. these past few weeks i have been overwhelmed by images of kids living in poverty..and i think that there's nothing as heart-breaking as a child who is denied simple pleasures because his family lacks the income. there's one image that has stayed with me...an advertisement of unicef shows children from different parts of the world playing football and in one such image there's a child happily watching other children play but unable to do so himself because he doesn't have a leg. he must have been...hmm i dunno..perhaps 5. maybe older maybe younger...malnourishment makes age difficult to decipher.

heh. but they were *all* happy though..whether they were playing in the gutter or on the beach..reminds me of 'the catcher in the rye'.

perhaps as you grow older you become more aware of what is going on around you...or then maybe the world *has* stopped making sense..maybe it's a combination of both. or maybe it's just that i'm low today. whatever it is it seems that life is sorrow punctuated with joy rather than joy sprinkled with sorrow. i can probably deal with that..but i'm just not sure if i *should*

these secret garden beams..

2005-07-02T04:18:00.000-07:00

i've been having the best day ever!! it's like i'm snug in this warm mushy cocoon of luuuurrrvvveee...yummmmmmmmmmm!!!

2005-06-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

god this is such a lazy afternoon! so i was snooping around in a friend's scrapbook 'cause well i guess i just like to and as usual i was amazed at the yet *another* pseudo-intellectual-bozo-craphead her profile had attracted! and that just shows how inanely moronic these fools really are 'cause if anything her profile pokes fun at *them*!

other than that i've basically stared at the tv for something like three hours and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich :S and of course i've had the occasional random thought buzz around in my head. have you noticed that bono has the bluest eyes? and that thom yorke has the craziest face?

so last night i was thinking that one my favourite song related memories (i only have two kind of memories...song related or 'feel' related and by the latter i usually mean the-feel-of-the-air-of-the-day..blah can't really explain the latter too well) anyway so getting back to what was being said before the rather long parenthesis...haan memory...hmm...don't feel like writing it down anymore. oh well....i know this drives you insane but you should really be used to it by now..grin.

2005-06-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

a car ride...looking up at the sky...sitting under a tree..a pair of eyes. if i stop and think about it then the jumble of images in my head are disctinct memories from entirely separate moments..but the ones that remian are somehow the ones that stick together. i know that i have a tendency to live in the future..that i find it difficult to live for the here and now...in the time that i am entirely alone i inevitably start projecting and i know that has the tendency to annoy...perhaps if i were more impulsive and didnt consider consequences i would be happier..more content..but in reality i feel that that would hurt more than help in any way. what i *do* know though is that actually i *am* happy..i like where i am and i like who i am..sure i have my moments of intense self-doubt and yeah i claim that i don't like having people in my head..the fact is that there isn't anything better..not when you trust. not when you *want* it.

2005-06-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

you're in control
is there anywhere you wanna go
you're in control
is there anything you wanna know
the future's for discovering
the space in which we travel in
from the top of the first page
to the end of the last page
from the start in your own way
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
under the surface trying to break through
deciphering the codes in you
I need compas,draw me a map
I'm on the top, I can't get back
the first line in the first page
to the end of the last page
you where looking
from the start in your own way
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
it doesn't matter who you are
you just want
somebody listening to what you say
oh, you just want
somebody listening to what you say
it doesn't matter who you are
it doesn't matter who you are
is there anybody out there
who is lost and hurt and lonely too
they're bleeding all the colors into one
and a few come undone
as if you've been run through
some catapult who fired you
you wonder if your chance will ever come
or if you're stuck in square one

- coldplay

a poster girl with no poster

2005-06-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

don't waste your time on me you're already a voice inside my head.

interesting how some song lyrics stay with you. sometimes it's the tune. sometimes the words.

i live in the numbness now/in the background/i do the things we did before/i walk Haight Street to the store/and they say where's that crazy girl/ you don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more......the plans i make still have you in them/'cause you come swimming into view/and i'm hanging on your words like i always used to do/ the words they use so lightly i only give to you

but more importantly though, sometimes it's the imagery.

every thought that i repent/ there's another chip you haven't spent/ and you're cashing them all in/ where do we begin/ to get clean again/ can we get clean again/ i walk home alone with you/ in the mood you're born into/ sometimes you'd let me in/ and i'd take it on the chin/ we can't get clean again/i wanna know/ can we get clean again/the god of wine comes crashing to the headlights of a car/ that took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go/ we can't get back again/ she takes a drink and then she waits/ the alcohol to permeate/ soon the cells give way/ it cancels out the day/ i can't keep it altogether/ i know i know i know/i can't keep ot altogether/and the Siren's song that is your madness/holds a truth i can't erase/ all alone on your face/every glamorous sunrise/ throws the planets out of line/ the starsign out of whack/ the fraudulent zodiac/ and the god of wine is crouched down in my room/ you let me down i said it/ now i'm going down and you're not even around/ and i said/ down/ i can't keep it altogether/ i know i know/ i can't keep it altogether/ there's a memory of a window looking through i see you/ searching for something i could never give you/ there's someone who understands you more than i do/ a sadness i can't erase/ all alone on your face.
- 3eb

the sound of a gun..

2005-06-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

apprehension: a state of mind which is brought on by feelings of nervousocity and usually results in a brakage of cold sweat...or in my case quietude.

as is perfectly obvious the above definition is my own creation. but that is definitely a pretty accurate description of how i feel these days. the source of it is quite simple really... i'm leaving familiar things behind and moving onto scarily new stuff. and the transitional period is probably the worst.

i like the nights though...of course i've always been partial to that time of the day. i wonder what it is. i think it's the solitude, the associated intimacy...and then of course there's the sky.

i will search arms outstretched

2005-06-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

there are a few songs that bring a moment, a feeling, a...sense.. back. i don't know how to explain it..it's almost as if i can taste what i was feeling when i was initially listening to that song. it's almost as if all of my senses were focused on experiencing every single moment and listening to it again brings it all back.
(interestingly enough though i can't actually make this claim for all five senses...my sense of smell has never actually played such a vital role!)

anyway there was a time when i used to feel that every single second of my existence must have a reason, must have meaning..don't get me wrong it's not like i believe that i'm insignificant now..far from it (grin)..but it just isn't as...important anymore. anything i suppose. i would just love to sink slowly beneath the surface. or then just float freely.

maybe this is just an early morning mood.

blue diamonds strike 'em anywhere

2005-06-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

so what's a hollaback girl anyway? i love gwen stefani after this song cause she's so randomly cooky.
and then there's star wars.
of course there's no connection but the fact is that i just watched episode 3 and oh. my. god. it's brilliant! i mean before watching this episode i hadn't realised how totally cooolll star wars is! i'm most excited right now 'cause i've finally understood what the hell half the world is crazy about!

i don't get why anyone would want to experience anything other than fiction. there is nothing better than the human imagination. the brilliance, the idiocy, the darkness, the utter crackedpottedness of it all! okay maybe not the darkness..as in i'm not saying that it needs to be good vs evil all the bloody time but heck i love it when it is! it just isnt the same when it isn't.